11 posts tagged “wedding”
What has been your favorite mistake?
Submitted by Runnergirl
Perhaps somehow putting the phone number for McGee's Pest Control in Kansas on our wedding info cards instead of the number for the Amway Grand Hotel, where we had room blocks for our guests. Oops. How the hell did I screw that up? haha No, seriously. Where did I get that number???
John-Patrick and I have both begun a 10-day Crest Whitestrips Premium PLUS program.
I recently read that the tooth-whitening market has been given a huge boost in recent years by the billions-dollar wedding industry. Like, they're at all the bridal wedding expos now, making the tooth-whitening thing as almost-standard as the dress. Does this mean we've crossed over to the dark side of wedding hysteria? I've always hated my teeth, but I do find it curious that the time I've (and we've) chosen is now to try to do something....
Show us the last thing you bought.
Soon after John-Patrick and I were engaged about a year ago, one of the first things I began hearing from people is “Oh, and you will so not be a bridezilla.” “And you will be the opposite of bridezilla.” “And we know we never have to worry about the bridezilla thing with you.” These were all compliments to be sure, but I have to admit, my reaction was more one of puzzlement than gratitude. After all, what is a bridezilla in real life, and why were people so exasperated to proclaim that I would never be one?
We all have a basic understanding of a bridezilla. She’s frantic, selfish, ridiculous in her relentless perfection of Her Special Day, and oh yeah, goes a little apeshit in the process. We see her on TV, where shows like Bridezillas and others exploit her image. Feminist comedians even play with that imagery, as captured by the brilliant Sarah Haskins (recently introduced to me my Jill) here. (But even she, like others, fall into the trap of assuming Bridezilla is real.)
But those are women on TV, right? Sure. But lately it seems every “review” I get of someone’s wedding (that bizarre and confining practice, which of course I’ve also taken part in, aside) also contains a rating of the bride and her behavior. Certainly there must be some women out there who go completely overboard. One of my favorite students even told me once that she aspires to be a bridezilla and is warning people in advance of even having a serious boyfriend that this is what she will become after meeting Mr. Right. But this girl is funny, and cute, and smart, and caring, and while maybe she will go for it, I still doubt she’ll really meet her full bridezilla aspirations. (Sorry, Windea...)
When I have heard people describe other women as “a bit of a bridezilla”, it’s often coupled with a simultaneous disdain of all things bridal by the men in her life, a solo-planning situation, and wedding which reviews too well.
Having spent most of the past year planning our wedding alongside John-Patrick, I increasingly wonder if the bridezilla stereotype is something that’s a too-easy framework for people to use against women. Like those weddings we’ve all been to where the groom and his groomsmen stand aside, or more likely outside, flexing their muscle by drinking too much hard liquor and showishly smoking, as a way to snidely say “OK, she has her special day, but I can stand back from it and still be a (or the) man.” The more I experience wedding-planning first-hand, and the more I hear, as a result, wedding talk, I wonder if bridezilla has become the new ‘50’s housewife. Think about the production of effortlessness alongside extreme effort that this takes: One is not a bridezilla only if the wedding goes off well but not too perfectly, without any effort or stress being shown or told on the part of the bride. Add a touch of whimsy without it being too obviously contrived, and you’ve done the (I think) impossible –avoided the bridezilla label.
Maybe those who have never planned a wedding wouldn’t know this, but that balance is incredibly hard to strike. Planning a wedding requires, at its most basic level, huge levels of organization, communication, and people-pleasing. Organizationally, you have to manage the budget and the guest list at the very least (both immensely more complicated than they sound), coupled with contracts, schedules, and all the details therein. In terms of communication, you have to be clear and direct about your various needs with contractors, family, and guests, while still being accommodating and flexible. (You are permitted needs, but they can’t be overt.) This is true regardless of how flexible you actually are –it’s a dance where any stumble is a big wipe-out. And in terms of people-pleasing, you need to balance what you desire for your wedding and what’s meaningful to you and your honey alongside the needs and desires of your close family members, all the while trying to make things easy, understandable, palatable, and fun for the guests. Misstep on any of these levels, and people are waiting in the wings who can’t wait to point at you and cry, “See! Bridezilla!”
Add to that the fact that many women (thankfully not me) tend to plan these things alone, without any input or involvement or help from men, and the myth of “her special day” is even more difficult to shatter. And when “her special day” is the only lens through which we see things, that lens magnifies even further on the bride and anything she doesn’t manage with total balance and grace. Lately I picture it more like a magnifying glass on an ant. And while past brides have so far been reluctant to talk about it for fear of shattering that glass, I don’t think I’m the only one feeling the heat. And I’m lucky enough to have very wonderful, flexible family members and friends.
Further, for this incredibly large and difficult task of planning the perfect event, most women have no training, no expertise, and for I suspect many more women than the discourse suggests, no concrete dream of what “her special day” will look like (supposedly) dating back to childhood. Yet “her special day” persists as our only prism (thus bridal showers and bridal shows and bridal magazines rather than wedding showers, shows, and magazines). And we wonder why the scrutiny lands on her?
But that’s the problem. I don’t think we wonder about it. I think we take it for granted, and like most stereotypes, expect to see it everywhere we look as a way of making “sense” of things. So it’s little wonder that any bride (and bride only) who doesn’t manage the impossible balance and dance of graciousness, flexibility, whimsy, people-pleasing, loveliness, and management from day one has an easy name. We call her Bridezilla. And in the process, indeed in that language, we simultaneously confine her to her femininity and punish her for breaking with it.
While I think anyone resembling the nutjobs on TV as our demonstrative bridezillas are certifiably nuts, I continue to wonder how many of them exist in real life. I appreciate the early reviews of me as a non-Bridezilla. But even if those reviews persist (and how could they under such circumstances?), I still wish we’d drop the term altogether. The wedding industry feeds on it to be sure, but so does sexism. And that’s not a special day for anyone.
Well, it's almost two months until our wedding, and some anxiety has been creeping in. Mostly when I'm sleeping. I wake up and go "Whaaa?" Here are some of the dreams I've had in recent weeks.
- It's time to begin, and my sister is about to walk down the aisle, we're all standing there, and she's like "OK, so what do I do? Where do I go stand?" because we forgot to practice. So she almost runs down the aisle rather than processing in, just to sort of like "get into position".
- We get in there, and remember that we never wrote the ceremony. So it's all like, "Uh, now what?"
- I'm so busy running around that I never have time, and completely forget, to do my hair. And not just DO my hair, but also wash it. I basically have bed-head.
- Forgot to get the dress from Chicago to Michigan
- String quartet doesn't show, so we play some AWFUL canned music. Then they show up, so we walk back out and start over.
- Never finalized a menu, so they think we just aren't serving food.
Clearly all that's left to do is stressing me out on some level. The dreams are about neglecting to do things. And then as a result, the wedding is a big let-down. But at least in the dreams John-Patrick and I are there, ready to go. And so FAR it's not a dream about "no one is there". So if anything, the anxiety's in the details, not the people!
We didn't deliberately decide to do this on Valentine's Day, but it just so happens that we booked our honeymoon today!
We had been ambivalent about a honeymoon --not sure if we could afford it, not sure we were interested in or politically cohesive with a lot of the popular destinations -nevermind that we're getting married at the end of a hot summer in the middle of hurricane season, not sure when was the right time to make some kind of decision.
But the more we thought about it, we knew we wanted to do SOMETHING. We imagined it would be kind of a downer to have all the build-up, do the wedding, and then schlep everything home like we had just done a regular old week in Michigan. Plus we love to travel together, and John-Patrick knew he could get the week off work.
We considered another road trip, perhaps this time to somewhere on the East Coast (given the time constraint). We considered New York City, because we freaking heart NY. We considered Toronto, since it's be drivable and cheap. We considered asking about my aunt's condo in Florida.
But the more we talked about options, there was a clear winner.
We're going to do about a week in the Bay Area, in California! Lots of things were appealing about this option.
- We found surprisingly cheap airfare on my new preferred airline (American Airlines). Also, nonstop to and from Chicago, which is a plus.
- We got a good rental car deal with the airfare for the entire time we're out there (Monday to Saturday after our wedding).
- This was a really special part of our road trip this past summer, which wasn't just a perfect vacation in its own right, but also where we got engaged.
- We can see friends and my sister out there (unless they're still in MI after our wedding!). We love San Francisco. We can spend a night in wine country. And we can drive the Pacific Coast Highway again, which is exactly where we got engaged.
We have plenty of time to figure out our itinerary for when we're there, choose hotels, etc, but we know we'll have plenty of time to hit the places we want to hit.
For us, this is perfect. Yay!
This morning I got an email for Rock Star Bride!
From the website: "Our mission is simple: Give brides something cute and comfortable to wear while getting ready for her big day. So much goes into picking the perfect dress and accessories, that you forget about what you are wearing before the wedding. There are alot of photos being taken during that part of the day! We promise to bring hip yet comfortable products to brides to keep them feeling like a celeb on their big day. Not without a little attitude of course.... Cheers! Rock*STAR*Bride"
I have been surprised by how many sites there are trying to sell me clothing. To me this is just a bunch of junk. But the funny thing is that it's so front-loaded, in the email I got via the Knot, by this really elaborate site, which you can't even get back to on the merchandise page, which seems to be the only page that does anything other than describe a rock star bride. Weird. Pointless to me. And this week's winner of the Wedding Spam of the Week.
I had a feeling this would be an ongoing series. I get lots and lots of wedding spam, but I'm trying to only blog the ones that are somehow noteworthy.
The most recent batch of wedding spam has come as a result of the "Bridal" Show (note: not "Wedding" Show) that we attended last Saturday in Grand Rapids. Evidence of the "Weddings are for Women" phenomenon: set of chairs set up in front of a TV with college football on. John-Patrick kindly posed for the photo on that one, although it was also a fun photo because his stepdad's family are all big Auburn fans:
We went because we were looking for info on local vendors, particularly for items where we had no clue or connection. (And actually, this worked, as we recently booked our DJ based on the guys there who happened to be both the least obnoxious and the least expensive.) So we were glad we went.
One thing, though, is that I made the mistake of signing up for as many drawings as possible. At the time, my thinking was : "Hey, we can't afford a honeymoon, maybe we could get one this way!" or "Heck, a free DJ would save us a lot of money!" Wrong.
In the 10 days since the Wedding Bridal Show, I have won a total of three grand prizes!!!!!!!!! Here's what that really means:
- A free honeymoon, of which I was immediately skeptical, was, upon further discussion, a condo timeshare. It was so crooked: The woman who called me worked so hard to impart enthusiasm and excitement, I immediately knew it was a scam. I was skeptical enough to see through it, but what a shitty job she has --calling each and every one of the people who signed up for this drawing... you could just tell when she took the pause for me to scream and yell and cry with excitement. Instead, I said, "Yeah, but this is one of those things where everyone wins, right, because you're trying to sell us a timeshare?" [pause] "This is not a timeshare." Yes it was. Today, one week later, another person from the same place called with no reference to caller number one, to tell me that I had won. Once again, I was the only winner!!! I got off the phone with her a lot faster.
- This weekend a very bored and gruff sounding man called to inform me that I had won the grand prize of "free appetizers and desert" from a very crappy-sounding catering company. I just said thanks but we already have a caterer. He was quick to get off the phone, too.
- Today I get this in the mail:
Our wedding is 334 days away (The Knot counts for me). I wonder how long it will take to stop receiving the junk mail and scams.
In the end, I just feel sorry for the girls out there who are falling for this crap.... Probably not many are, but still.
ALSO, should we ACTUALLY win any of these prizes that we entered... I bet I would turn them away! I'm too jaded by the scams! How to know?
I may start a semi-regular feature on this blog: the wedding spam of the week!
Here is this week's:
I have to admit that when I got this in my email the other day, I thought it was a joke. It's not that I don't like the idea of speaking to brides politically.... but.... Uh.....
There's actually a lot of gender analysis to be had here. But maybe I'll save that for another day. After all, it's Friday.
